Cool off and collect shells.

Sometimes when I feel completely over whlmed by everything going on. I have to take a break.

I am struggling deeply at the moment. we were given a few days of hope for my mothers diagnosis. That, of course, came shattering down at her last appointment. The doctor told her that the surgery they were going to schedule at the end of the month has now been called off. The radiation has not taken care of the cancer as much as they had originally hoped/thought. The cancer has progressed too much to get the surgery so they basically said they will just put her back on chemo and she will probably die on chemo. So I got that going on.

Then, I have willfulness and disobediance in my home. My children are absolutely rotten to the core this wholemonth. I dont understand what has happened there. The only thing I can think of that is happeneing that is different is both my older boys are at school now. I dont know why that would make them so bad but maybe they are acting out because they can not do what they want during the day now or something. It just doesnt make sense to me but I am trying to deal with it.

Due to the willful disobedience going on around me, my anger has become harder and harder to control. I feel like I am yelling at the boys all the time because they just wont listen and do what they are ask to do or do what they NEED to do. Its just making me crazy.

The tention has been building in our house. Im at my wits end with the children right now. I am scared of losing my mother and I feel like Im not getting any support or back up from my husband. So this weekend, I just took off. After we got home from KJ's soccer game. I made sure everyone got in and then I grabbed my Bible and I left. I went down to the local resivor that people go fishing at and I walked along the beach until I found a nice spot with some black eyed susans. I sat and read my Bible and enjoyed the beautiful view of the lake before me and it was just what I needed. I spent two hours their alone with my Bibleand then I went back, picked up my two oldest (Colty stayed home with Daddy because he was napping) and we walked the shore and collected sea shells and attempted to skip rocks. That hour and a half I had with my boys was great. we had fun together. It was relaxing and I didnt have to raise my vioce at all while we were there.

I think I need to start doing things like that more often. When I feel run down and need God the most I need to just GO. Be with him and the word and be in a place of great beauty. A place I can refresh and renew myself in the Lord. Almost like a Biblle retreat on my own. So thats my goal. Atleast once a week I'd like to just get out of the house alone and be with God. One day I may even get brave enough to just go and camp out all by myself over night. Just me and my Bible. I think that would be pretty awesome if I werent so afraid of the dark. :)