Wednesday, August 20, 2014

God's Time

Monday I had my OBGYN appointment. When I went my BP was high and when they checked my urine I had some protein in it. So they sent me off to the hospital for further testing to make sure I wasn't going preeclamptic. (I got preeclampsia with my first son so I am at higher risk for it to happen again). I sat at the hospital for a few hours and waited for my blood  and urine test results. Everything was okay "right now" but they want to monitor me, so I'm afraid I might be going to the hospital after every doctors appointment every week until 9/9/2014 (my c-section date). 

Before I got sent off to the hospital, the doctor gave me an ultrasound and he said that the baby was measuring at about 7lbs and 1oz. So if he makes it to 9/9/2014 he will probably be a 9 pounder just like both my other two sons. 


I know that Colton will come in God's time and NOT mine but it really scared me Monday that I could possably be having him that day. I still had so much more that I had to get done before he came. I also wanted to be able to get my oldest on the bus Monday morning for his first day of the 1st grade. All these reasons where selfish. I know, but I couldn't help but think "there is so much I still need to get done!" It was kinda like I was aggravated with God for not having MY plans on his calendar. How ridiculous, right? But it made me realized  that I need to stop relying on MY schedule and just be open for God's time. HE knows better then ME. If I have Colton early or if I have him on 9/9/2014 as scheduled I just need to roll with the punches because it's God's timing and in HIS timing everything is perfectly the way HE wants it. So what if I have more to do! It will get done. I need to just relax and be ready and willing for whatever God decides. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

All is well

Saturday we had the boys big birthday bash. Not too many people came this year but Kory's bestfriend from school came so he was happy. Rando was happy because his cousins were there. That's all that mattered to him. Even though it was a lot smaller then we expected it all went well. We had plenary of food and I got to know Melissa (the mother of KJ's bestfriend). She was really nice. We are gonna try and get the boys together again sometime before school starts up again. School starts in 2 weeks I'm hoping we can make it happen. 

My parents got the boys a train table with a cool train set that you can put together and take apart. It's really big though. We were going to put it down in the play room (basement) but since my brother has been living with us half the time (that's where we have the guest bed. Down there in the playroom) we decided to just move the wooden chest that we have been using as a coffee table out into the breeze way (it makes putting on little shoes so much easier before we leave the house) and we have made the train table the coffee table for now. What's really cool is the fact that it has 3 red buckets that once your done with the trains you can take them apart and put the pieces into the buckets and the buckets slide under the table on a little ledge so it's out of the way and off the floor. My mom even customized the front of the table so it says K&R Railroad. The boys love it! My mother inlaw has ordered then a power wheel artic cat. But she ordered it very late so it hasn't come yet. But it's a 12 volt so it will move around the yard much faster then the little 6 volt Bobcat that we picked up for the boys at a yard sale. The artic cat is a 2 seater as well so they can both enjoy playing with it. It looks like a John Deer Gaitor only instead of a flat bed it's got a little pickup type bed and it has a little shovel on the outside. The boys will love it once it finally gets here. 

I am 35 weeks along as of yesterday. So that means I've got 5 weeks until I'm 40 weeks and they always schedule c-sections at 39 weeks as long as everything is going smoothly so that means I will be having Colton in about 4 weeks!!! I'm really excited! I go today to the OBGYN for an interal exam. I'm really hoping that Dr.Y will give me my c-section date today. I can make a count down calander with the boys and hang it on the fridge like we do for Christmas. Only it will be a "days until Colton's birthday" count down. With the Christmas one I let them glue ornaments that I make out of construction paper onto each day. I'm not sure what I could make to glue on each day for a Colton count down. Maybe bibs or bottles? I'm not very crafty, but I do try hahaha!

I have been getting around a lot better the past few days. I'm not as sore as I have been. The hip brace really helps hold my pelvic bone together but when I over do it, it doesn't matter if I'm wearing the brace or not. So I have been able to go out and swim with the boys more. When I'm really sore I fear getting in the pool without Gunner being home because I'm afraid I will get in and then not be able to get out due to the pain in my pelvic bone preventing me from lifting my legs high enough to climb the ladder back out. 

I am currently obsessed with this song. It's constantly in my head and I'm always humming it to myself all day long so I thought I'd share it. Enjoy!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sbdJXKqVgtg

 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

God, I need you...

  Today has been especially tough on me. Not only with the regular pain of having a way too big baby for the actively level going on inside (I fear he will crack one of my ribs) and the separated pelvic bone. But this was day 2 of a horrific nonstop Charlie horse in my leg that pretty much prevented me from walking for 2 days. I would pretty much limp to and from the bathroom in tears the past two days. The boys have been crazy out of control today because I haven't been able to really be on too of them. I was able to get them to come and lay in my bed together and watch Veggy Tails The Story of Ester and 2 episodes of Richard Scary's Busy Town Mysteries on Netflix but since neither of them were sick that didn't last long. Instead they made a mess of the house and fought all day long. 

By the time Gunner got home I was totally exhausted and upset and just feeling like an awful mother because I couldn't care for my children very well today at all. He found me just sobbing away in my bed when he got home. Rando came in with him and he said all sweetly "Mommy! Your eyes are dripping! I see the drips down your face" it was adorable but at that moment I didn't want an audience. Gunner was great though. He just got Rando ready (put this sox and shoes on) and told Kory he had to play quietly if he wanted to stay home so he didn't disturb me and he went and picked up some burgers for dinner while I got to take a quick nap. When he got home, after we ate, he cleaned up the mess in the living room and had the boys clean up the toys in their room and got them ready for bed and put them both to bed at their bedtimes and just left me to sit and relax the rest of the night. It was just what I needed.

 I did a little research and found out that bananas are supposed to help with Charlie horses so after the kids went to bed Gunner ran down to the corner market and got me a bunch of bananas. I HATE bananas but I gaged down 2 of them and prayed that this was what I needed to be able to get rid of the Charlie horse in my leg. I will eat a banana for breakfast and before bed at night every day for the next 5 weeks until I have my c-section if it keeps the Charlie horses away! 

During my time alone I got out my Bible and did some reading. As always God directed me to just the right verses to console my weary head and heart. He is so Awsome! He never lets me down when I need him he's there. It makes me think of that song that I can't remember who songs but the words are. "I need you, oh I need you.  Every hour I need you." Because it is SOOO very true! Needless to say I am feeling better now and amazingly enough the Charlie horse is easing up on my leg too. Hopefully the bananas are fixing the problem :)

Well it's now 2:45am and I am finally getting tired so I better get to bed. That nap before dinner has screwed my sleep schedule. Sweet dreams! 

34 weeks 4 days

Today I am 34 weeks and 4 days along. I have 6 weeks until I'm 40 weeks so I will be having Colton in 5 weeks. These next 5 weeks are going to be LONG ones but I'm so thankful that I'm almost done with this pregnancy. I'm in so much pain and I'm so huge and uncomfortable right now. I just have to pray every day for God to give me the strength to keep going. 

Today, I am at the end of a 2 day long Charlie horse that is making it absolutely unbearable to walk around and get daily things done. I can't even stand to make dinner. I had to have the boys bring me the supplies to make them PB&J sandwiches and I had to make them their lunch here in my bed.  The house is a mess and I can't do anything about it. It's  getting harder and harder for me to deal with not getting upset and angry because I have no control over anything going on in this house at the moment. 

My mother inlaw keeps asking me over and over "do you know yet the date of your c-section? I need to know because I want to take off that week from work to help you" I keep telling her "Gunner is off that week and mom will be here helping me. I don't need any help then. What I need is help now. It would be better if you took a week off now and took the boys for me now". Of course she doesn't want to do that, she just wants to take a week off when the baby comes so she can come and see the baby for an hour a day and then go home and not worry about anything just like she did with both my other c-sections. I don't find that helpful.  Most of the time I was nursing the baby the whole hour she was here so what's the point of her coming at all? She could go to work and come see the baby everyday for an hour after work. What I need is help now. NOT THEN. Oh well, what can I do? I already told her. If she don't want to do it I can't force her. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Brotherly Love

The boys have been driving me crazy lately! They want to always be together and, of course, that causes them to bicker and fight 24/7! One second they are beat friends and the next they are not. It's just crazy time around here. 

Last night, we went to the carnival and Kory and Rando rode all the kiddie rides together. Rando was tall enough to go on the kiddie coaster so he was all excited because he could finally ride the dragon. When they got on there he was all smiles until it started and then it scared him. He wanted off right away. It was too fast for him and Kory put his arm around Rando and kept telling him "It's okay Rando. It will be over soon" He was a great big brother helping him on and off rides and when they were let into the ride gates Kory would hold Rando's hand so they wouldn't get seperated and Rando get trampled by other kids. 

Then there are days like today. They faught all day long. They couldn't share well today. Rando kept yelling "you're not my bestfriend Kory!" They faught over what color plate they were gonna have at lunch. They faught over who got to sit on what side of the couch to watch their Lego movie. Kory even insisted that Rando had pooped in his pull up. When I asked Rando if there was poop in his pants he got all mad and said "No! Kory just saw me fart and didn't want to share the rocking chair with me anymore" haha (I had to explain that you can't see farts just hear and smell them haha) When it was time for them to go to bed I told them they had to sleep in their own beds because I didn't want to have to come in a million times and tell them to stop fighting. Then, I got called in there twice while they begged and pleaded for Rando to sleep in Kory's bed with him. After the second time of getting called back in there I just told them to just go ahead and share a bed because I didn't want to hear them yelling for me again but the first time they started fighting they'd go back to their own beds and that would be it for the night. I just peeked in on them and they were both snuggled up in Kory's bed watching a Veggy Tales movie on Netflix on my Kindle and giggling together. 

I'm 8 months along as of Sunday. I am so big at this point that even my maternity shorts are tight and dig into me when I sit down. I am pretty much only comfortable wearing a tank top and a pair of Gunner's boxxers. Of course I can't leave the house like that so I have to change into shorts to go out but I avoid going out as much as possable because I am just too uncomfortable. Since I have seperated my pelvic bone and have to wear the brace around my hips I mostly just want to lay in my bed. That's really the only comfortable spot for me. He's also gotten so big that he's really starting to make my ribs ache from all the kicking. I can barely breath and lately I keep getting these panic type attacks. I'll do something small and it will make my heart race and I can't catch my breath which makes me panic and my heart beat faster. It's very unpleasant. I just can't wait until my baby Colton comes. I want to put an end to all this pain I'm going through and I can't wait to hold my fresh new baby boy. I'm hoping we can finish up the last bit of stuff that needs to be done in the nursery this weekend. Then, I can feel like we are 100% ready for Colton to come. 

I have been having a nagging feeling that Colton could come early. This is exciting and very scary at the same time. It would be nice to get all this pain I'm in over with early but it's scary to me too because I really don't want Colton coming too early.  It could just be wishful thinking because I'm in so much pain but I have had this nagging feeling for the past 1.5-2 months now. So I don't know what to expect. Saturday, I'm gonna try to get Gunner to get the bassinet out of the attick so I clean it and set it up next to my bed so that I can have it ready for Colton when he comes (early or not). Plus, it would motivate me to clean up and reorganize my book shelf next to my bed. At the moment I have a pile of books on my floor I've read but haven't gotten around to putting them back on the shelf because the shelf is too messy. I keep telling myself "I will reorganize and put away all these books next weekend" but then the weekends come and go and I'm busy or distracted from doing anything with it and the rest of the week I took at the pile of books on the floor and the messy book shelf and say "next weekend". If Gunner actually got the bassinet down it would force me to get on it or else the bassinet won't fit next to the bed. 

God has really been helping me with my attitude for my mother inlaw lately. Usually she is overbearing and completely obsessed with every detail of my pregnancies. I have to hear her say over and over how "this better be your last one. You have the worst pregnancies. You can't do this to yourself again" that of course is the last thing I want to hear while I'm pregnant. EVERY pregnancy I tell her that I am willing to put myself through this because the reward of a child is soo much greater then the 10 months of horror it takes to get that child. This pregnancy was actually my easiest pregnancy until I seperated my pelvic bone. So I really don't want to hear her harp on me about how 1- I can't go through this anymore and 2- we don't have the money for anymore kids and it's not fair for me to do this to Gunner. Gunner is just as excited as I am about each of my boys. We know that if God has given us these blessings, God will help us find a way to provide for them. He always has and I have faith he always will. She has no real "faith". Infact while I was in the hospital having Rando 3 years ago she had some mystery fever illness and was in another hospital. When she finally got out and felt well enough to be taken here to meet Rando he was already 2.5 weeks old. She told me that while she was in the hospital and afraid she was going to die she prayed to her MOTHER, not God, and told her she couldn't die yet because she had grand babies she needed to be with. That just struck me as awful. How could anyone pray to their dead mother instead of God? I just couldn't understand it. Well, for the past 8 months she's given me absolute hell about this pregnancy. 1- this is too hard on me 2- we don't have the money for another child 3- this better be the last one because our house is too small for any more children ect, ect... Since I have seperated my pelvic bone and getting around is more of a hassle I have noticed she has left me alone more and more. She still calls and texts me the whole day on days she knows I'm going for a doctors appointment because she "needs to know what the doctor said". Which has been the same thing everytime I've gone since I seperated my pelvic bone (avoid lifting or carrying anything more the 10lbs, don't do anything strenuous, try to sit and relax as much as possable ect, ect...) but she doesn't call me all day evey day and nag and harp on me about how this better be my last pregnancy. This whole pregnancy I've struggled with my attitude. If I see her name pop up on my caller ID I'd usually instantly get into a funk and be annoyed the whole day no matter if I picked up the phone or not. I've been praying and begging God to help me with this absolute attitude of resentment when it comes to her (I have never shown her this openly. I have always been nice and pleasant to her out of respect for my husband). And ever since I seperated my pelvic bone it's like God said "I think she has enough to deal with" and has made her ease off me which in turn has made my attitude for her much less of a problem. Now when she texts or calls I don't have that instant funk come apon me. I just hope once Colton is born she doesn't get all crazy obsessed with calling and texting me every day all day long again. I can't deal with a new baby, two little boys, and her constant calling or texting. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Camper away!!!

Have you ever felt the urge to just get rid of everything and buy a nice camper and just live where ever the wind takes you? I'm having one of those days right now. I wish we could just pack up and whenever we wanted and say "Camper Away!" And off we'd go to explore a new place. That would only work if we had major money of course but it's nice to dream. Or we could become gypsies lol. :)

I took Rando for his 3 year check up yesterday. I keep a journal of all the kids milestones and all my pregnancy milestones so I was updating it yesterday when we got home. I flipped back to Kory's 3 year check up and discovered Rando is 5.6 lbs heavier and 4 inches taller then Kory was at his 3 year check up. That's a major difference! I think Kory will end up taking after Gunner. Probably be 6 foot and be a solid man. Rando on the other hand will probably end up like my brother (uncle spooky) and be extreamly tall (my brother is 6'5") and be lean and muscular. Gunner's brother is also very tall (6'3") and has the same lean muscular build. Now I'm curious what my baby Colton will be like when he comes. Kory was a solid baby (9lbs 6oz) and he always had a bit of chub on him until he got to about a year old. Rando was my basket ball player baby. He was super skinny and had super long legs (9lbs 10oz) the day we took him home from the hospital his legs were so long that his feet already touched the back of the seat. We had to put him into the convertible rear facing car seat at 3 months because he was too tall to fit comfortably in the infant car seat after that. So now I just got to wait until Septemeber and see what kind of baby my sweet little Colton will be. :)

I really miss Gunner today. We've been spending so much more time together lately. Last night he was busy prepping stuff for work and then had to help my brother figure out what was up with the lights on his jeep not coming on. So I saw him at dinner and then the rest of the evening he was busy. By the time he came to bed I was half asleep already so we snuggled up and went to sleep together. I had to get up in the night to throw up so when he left this morning I slept through it so when I woke up he was already gone. I hate that. It makes me miss him all day if I miss a goodbye kiss before he leaves for work. :(

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Selfishness just doesn't pay

This past year, I have to admit I was struggling a bit in my marriage. I had a selfish attitude. My husband gets to go out with friends all the time. He gets to go to gun shows and spend a few hundred dollars on a gun or two. He can go away for a weekend here and there with friends. I get to sit home with the kids 24/7. I get to spend $5 a week at the dollar store on pens and a sketch books. I get to beg for months for $25 for a new bra. I get to sit by myself at night with my sketch book and pens while he gets to do ANYTHING but spend time with me. So yes, I was resentful and angry and nagging. No wonder why he didn't want to spend any time with me!

In the past few months though I've really been asking God to help me with my life. I felt like the whole thing was pretty overwhelming and I just needed God's help to straighten it out. More and more God was showing me that it's not so much my life that was spinning out of control but more my attitude. My selfish "what about me?" attitude was preventing me from being happy. In my marriage especially. It was like a light turned on for me. Instead of being resentful and angry everytime Gunner gets to go out and have fun and go to the gun shows and all that I need to be happy for him. He works a very strenuous job to support us. He comes home sore and tired and has to get up the next day just as sore and tired and go back to work and lift things that weight more then him up on ladders 20-30 feet in the air ect... I should be happy that he gets to relax with friends and enjoy himself when he can. Instead of nagging and being angry that he spends no time with me I need to be happy with whatever time he gives me. I need to make that time we spend together good. I need to be sweet and loving and not only did that make our time more enjoyable for the both of us, but Gunner would come and spend more time with me and I wasn't even asking. He'd say things like "I should really go out and put all my tools away in the garage but I'd rather spend a little time with you before I do that". In the bedroom, I went out of my way to make it as pleasurable as possable for him. Instead of doing things all begrudgingly and thinking "I never get this in return!" I would make it my pleasure to do those things without him asking and put my full effort into it. In return, I've received wonderful pleasure. He desires me and thinks about me all day at work and when he gets a moment to himself he will call or he will text me that he is thinking about me and how badly he wished he was home with me at that moment. Usually he would only call or text during the day if he thought he had a reason to worry about me (like if I was sick). Now I get atleast one call a day and several text messages while he's at work. He also doesn't get snappy with me when I call in the afternoon to find out what time he might be home for dinner (I like to make dinner so he gets home and it's hot and ready at the table). Things have improved greatly just by changing my attitude.  

God always has the answers for me. :)