34 weeks 4 days

Today I am 34 weeks and 4 days along. I have 6 weeks until I'm 40 weeks so I will be having Colton in 5 weeks. These next 5 weeks are going to be LONG ones but I'm so thankful that I'm almost done with this pregnancy. I'm in so much pain and I'm so huge and uncomfortable right now. I just have to pray every day for God to give me the strength to keep going. 

Today, I am at the end of a 2 day long Charlie horse that is making it absolutely unbearable to walk around and get daily things done. I can't even stand to make dinner. I had to have the boys bring me the supplies to make them PB&J sandwiches and I had to make them their lunch here in my bed.  The house is a mess and I can't do anything about it. It's  getting harder and harder for me to deal with not getting upset and angry because I have no control over anything going on in this house at the moment. 

My mother inlaw keeps asking me over and over "do you know yet the date of your c-section? I need to know because I want to take off that week from work to help you" I keep telling her "Gunner is off that week and mom will be here helping me. I don't need any help then. What I need is help now. It would be better if you took a week off now and took the boys for me now". Of course she doesn't want to do that, she just wants to take a week off when the baby comes so she can come and see the baby for an hour a day and then go home and not worry about anything just like she did with both my other c-sections. I don't find that helpful.  Most of the time I was nursing the baby the whole hour she was here so what's the point of her coming at all? She could go to work and come see the baby everyday for an hour after work. What I need is help now. NOT THEN. Oh well, what can I do? I already told her. If she don't want to do it I can't force her. 

Brotherly Love

The boys have been driving me crazy lately! They want to always be together and, of course, that causes them to bicker and fight 24/7! One second they are beat friends and the next they are not. It's just crazy time around here. 

Last night, we went to the carnival and Kory and Rando rode all the kiddie rides together. Rando was tall enough to go on the kiddie coaster so he was all excited because he could finally ride the dragon. When they got on there he was all smiles until it started and then it scared him. He wanted off right away. It was too fast for him and Kory put his arm around Rando and kept telling him "It's okay Rando. It will be over soon" He was a great big brother helping him on and off rides and when they were let into the ride gates Kory would hold Rando's hand so they wouldn't get seperated and Rando get trampled by other kids. 

Then there are days like today. They faught all day long. They couldn't share well today. Rando kept yelling "you're not my bestfriend Kory!" They faught over what color plate they were gonna have at lunch. They faught over who got to sit on what side of the couch to watch their Lego movie. Kory even insisted that Rando had pooped in his pull up. When I asked Rando if there was poop in his pants he got all mad and said "No! Kory just saw me fart and didn't want to share the rocking chair with me anymore" haha (I had to explain that you can't see farts just hear and smell them haha) When it was time for them to go to bed I told them they had to sleep in their own beds because I didn't want to have to come in a million times and tell them to stop fighting. Then, I got called in there twice while they begged and pleaded for Rando to sleep in Kory's bed with him. After the second time of getting called back in there I just told them to just go ahead and share a bed because I didn't want to hear them yelling for me again but the first time they started fighting they'd go back to their own beds and that would be it for the night. I just peeked in on them and they were both snuggled up in Kory's bed watching a Veggy Tales movie on Netflix on my Kindle and giggling together. 

I'm 8 months along as of Sunday. I am so big at this point that even my maternity shorts are tight and dig into me when I sit down. I am pretty much only comfortable wearing a tank top and a pair of Gunner's boxxers. Of course I can't leave the house like that so I have to change into shorts to go out but I avoid going out as much as possable because I am just too uncomfortable. Since I have seperated my pelvic bone and have to wear the brace around my hips I mostly just want to lay in my bed. That's really the only comfortable spot for me. He's also gotten so big that he's really starting to make my ribs ache from all the kicking. I can barely breath and lately I keep getting these panic type attacks. I'll do something small and it will make my heart race and I can't catch my breath which makes me panic and my heart beat faster. It's very unpleasant. I just can't wait until my baby Colton comes. I want to put an end to all this pain I'm going through and I can't wait to hold my fresh new baby boy. I'm hoping we can finish up the last bit of stuff that needs to be done in the nursery this weekend. Then, I can feel like we are 100% ready for Colton to come. 

I have been having a nagging feeling that Colton could come early. This is exciting and very scary at the same time. It would be nice to get all this pain I'm in over with early but it's scary to me too because I really don't want Colton coming too early.  It could just be wishful thinking because I'm in so much pain but I have had this nagging feeling for the past 1.5-2 months now. So I don't know what to expect. Saturday, I'm gonna try to get Gunner to get the bassinet out of the attick so I clean it and set it up next to my bed so that I can have it ready for Colton when he comes (early or not). Plus, it would motivate me to clean up and reorganize my book shelf next to my bed. At the moment I have a pile of books on my floor I've read but haven't gotten around to putting them back on the shelf because the shelf is too messy. I keep telling myself "I will reorganize and put away all these books next weekend" but then the weekends come and go and I'm busy or distracted from doing anything with it and the rest of the week I took at the pile of books on the floor and the messy book shelf and say "next weekend". If Gunner actually got the bassinet down it would force me to get on it or else the bassinet won't fit next to the bed. 

God has really been helping me with my attitude for my mother inlaw lately. Usually she is overbearing and completely obsessed with every detail of my pregnancies. I have to hear her say over and over how "this better be your last one. You have the worst pregnancies. You can't do this to yourself again" that of course is the last thing I want to hear while I'm pregnant. EVERY pregnancy I tell her that I am willing to put myself through this because the reward of a child is soo much greater then the 10 months of horror it takes to get that child. This pregnancy was actually my easiest pregnancy until I seperated my pelvic bone. So I really don't want to hear her harp on me about how 1- I can't go through this anymore and 2- we don't have the money for anymore kids and it's not fair for me to do this to Gunner. Gunner is just as excited as I am about each of my boys. We know that if God has given us these blessings, God will help us find a way to provide for them. He always has and I have faith he always will. She has no real "faith". Infact while I was in the hospital having Rando 3 years ago she had some mystery fever illness and was in another hospital. When she finally got out and felt well enough to be taken here to meet Rando he was already 2.5 weeks old. She told me that while she was in the hospital and afraid she was going to die she prayed to her MOTHER, not God, and told her she couldn't die yet because she had grand babies she needed to be with. That just struck me as awful. How could anyone pray to their dead mother instead of God? I just couldn't understand it. Well, for the past 8 months she's given me absolute hell about this pregnancy. 1- this is too hard on me 2- we don't have the money for another child 3- this better be the last one because our house is too small for any more children ect, ect... Since I have seperated my pelvic bone and getting around is more of a hassle I have noticed she has left me alone more and more. She still calls and texts me the whole day on days she knows I'm going for a doctors appointment because she "needs to know what the doctor said". Which has been the same thing everytime I've gone since I seperated my pelvic bone (avoid lifting or carrying anything more the 10lbs, don't do anything strenuous, try to sit and relax as much as possable ect, ect...) but she doesn't call me all day evey day and nag and harp on me about how this better be my last pregnancy. This whole pregnancy I've struggled with my attitude. If I see her name pop up on my caller ID I'd usually instantly get into a funk and be annoyed the whole day no matter if I picked up the phone or not. I've been praying and begging God to help me with this absolute attitude of resentment when it comes to her (I have never shown her this openly. I have always been nice and pleasant to her out of respect for my husband). And ever since I seperated my pelvic bone it's like God said "I think she has enough to deal with" and has made her ease off me which in turn has made my attitude for her much less of a problem. Now when she texts or calls I don't have that instant funk come apon me. I just hope once Colton is born she doesn't get all crazy obsessed with calling and texting me every day all day long again. I can't deal with a new baby, two little boys, and her constant calling or texting. 

Camper away!!!

Have you ever felt the urge to just get rid of everything and buy a nice camper and just live where ever the wind takes you? I'm having one of those days right now. I wish we could just pack up and whenever we wanted and say "Camper Away!" And off we'd go to explore a new place. That would only work if we had major money of course but it's nice to dream. Or we could become gypsies lol. :)

I took Rando for his 3 year check up yesterday. I keep a journal of all the kids milestones and all my pregnancy milestones so I was updating it yesterday when we got home. I flipped back to Kory's 3 year check up and discovered Rando is 5.6 lbs heavier and 4 inches taller then Kory was at his 3 year check up. That's a major difference! I think Kory will end up taking after Gunner. Probably be 6 foot and be a solid man. Rando on the other hand will probably end up like my brother (uncle spooky) and be extreamly tall (my brother is 6'5") and be lean and muscular. Gunner's brother is also very tall (6'3") and has the same lean muscular build. Now I'm curious what my baby Colton will be like when he comes. Kory was a solid baby (9lbs 6oz) and he always had a bit of chub on him until he got to about a year old. Rando was my basket ball player baby. He was super skinny and had super long legs (9lbs 10oz) the day we took him home from the hospital his legs were so long that his feet already touched the back of the seat. We had to put him into the convertible rear facing car seat at 3 months because he was too tall to fit comfortably in the infant car seat after that. So now I just got to wait until Septemeber and see what kind of baby my sweet little Colton will be. :)

I really miss Gunner today. We've been spending so much more time together lately. Last night he was busy prepping stuff for work and then had to help my brother figure out what was up with the lights on his jeep not coming on. So I saw him at dinner and then the rest of the evening he was busy. By the time he came to bed I was half asleep already so we snuggled up and went to sleep together. I had to get up in the night to throw up so when he left this morning I slept through it so when I woke up he was already gone. I hate that. It makes me miss him all day if I miss a goodbye kiss before he leaves for work. :(

Selfishness just doesn't pay

This past year, I have to admit I was struggling a bit in my marriage. I had a selfish attitude. My husband gets to go out with friends all the time. He gets to go to gun shows and spend a few hundred dollars on a gun or two. He can go away for a weekend here and there with friends. I get to sit home with the kids 24/7. I get to spend $5 a week at the dollar store on pens and a sketch books. I get to beg for months for $25 for a new bra. I get to sit by myself at night with my sketch book and pens while he gets to do ANYTHING but spend time with me. So yes, I was resentful and angry and nagging. No wonder why he didn't want to spend any time with me!

In the past few months though I've really been asking God to help me with my life. I felt like the whole thing was pretty overwhelming and I just needed God's help to straighten it out. More and more God was showing me that it's not so much my life that was spinning out of control but more my attitude. My selfish "what about me?" attitude was preventing me from being happy. In my marriage especially. It was like a light turned on for me. Instead of being resentful and angry everytime Gunner gets to go out and have fun and go to the gun shows and all that I need to be happy for him. He works a very strenuous job to support us. He comes home sore and tired and has to get up the next day just as sore and tired and go back to work and lift things that weight more then him up on ladders 20-30 feet in the air ect... I should be happy that he gets to relax with friends and enjoy himself when he can. Instead of nagging and being angry that he spends no time with me I need to be happy with whatever time he gives me. I need to make that time we spend together good. I need to be sweet and loving and not only did that make our time more enjoyable for the both of us, but Gunner would come and spend more time with me and I wasn't even asking. He'd say things like "I should really go out and put all my tools away in the garage but I'd rather spend a little time with you before I do that". In the bedroom, I went out of my way to make it as pleasurable as possable for him. Instead of doing things all begrudgingly and thinking "I never get this in return!" I would make it my pleasure to do those things without him asking and put my full effort into it. In return, I've received wonderful pleasure. He desires me and thinks about me all day at work and when he gets a moment to himself he will call or he will text me that he is thinking about me and how badly he wished he was home with me at that moment. Usually he would only call or text during the day if he thought he had a reason to worry about me (like if I was sick). Now I get atleast one call a day and several text messages while he's at work. He also doesn't get snappy with me when I call in the afternoon to find out what time he might be home for dinner (I like to make dinner so he gets home and it's hot and ready at the table). Things have improved greatly just by changing my attitude.  

God always has the answers for me. :)

No more babies in the house anymore

I finally gave in and gave Rando a clipper cut. I usually just use scissors all over because with his hair longer it makes him look more like a baby. He's been sweating so badly lately I just had to give him a clipper cut just like Kory and Gunner. Now he looks like he could be Kory's twin. :( so I got no more babies in the house until Colton comes in early Septemeber. 

(Gunner is not a fan of pictures. Can you tell?)

Today is Kory's Kindergarten Showcase. We all get to go and see all that Kory has accomplished and then we get to watch a Kindergarten Memories DVD. So that's pretty cool! Gunner made sure that work didn't schedule anything for him this afternoon. He did a window and a door this morning and then he has to go out at 4:30 and finish up a deck so he won't be home until super late but atleast he will have been able to see Kory's Showcase at school. :)

Kory's last day of school is Friday and then he will be an official 1st grader!!! How did he grow up so fast?! 

Just catching up.

I know I have slacked a lot on keeping up to date. It feels like one thing after another keeps happening to distract me from writing and now I can't even remember it all so I'm just gonna start from here....

In just 3 short months I'll be having baby Colton. I can't wait for him to arrive! 

Kory has one more week left of school. He can't wait for summer to come but I think he'll miss his school friends. 

My brother's trial is August 6th so we are praying for victory there since what he was accused of he most definitely DID NOT do. 

I'm hoping to have a few fun camp outs this summer (if the weather isn't so got that it makes up suffocate in the tent). 

Next Friday, when Kory gets off the bus from his last day of kindergarten I will have orange cup cakes with orange icing waiting for him as a Kindergarten Graduation present. I know he'll be super excited. I'm also pretty sure that is the weekend my brother has his 3 girls again so everyone will be here for the weekend to celebrate the end of the school year. 

I'm Hoping that Gunner will have time to get up into the attic this weekend and get down the crib and all the baby stuff so we can clean out Rando's old room and set up the nursery there for baby Colton. I'm in the nesting phase I guess because all I want to do is make sure that I get everything all washed folded and put away so I can close the door and not worry about the room again until Colton arrives. 

I have been bringing Rando to the 2- 3 year olds story time at the Library every Wednesday and he's been doing really well there. It's a good pre- preschool prep for him. :) they read  3-4 books, sing a few songs, and then they make a craft. He loves it so we keep going every week. There is a 3-6 year old story time too and I think when summer starts we will start going to that one because Rando is going to be 3 in July and that's close enough to 3 for now so once summer starts they can go together for story time. There is also a few puppet shows going on there during the summer and a few family Lego building nights so I plan on going to all those too. Our Library is really great! 

Gunner and I have been struggling a bit lately but I'm hoping because we've been really talking to each other the past week and getting everything out that things will start on the upswing with us. I love Gunner with all my heart. I've been head over heals inlove with him since we met in 9th grade. I refuse to let a few bad months define out marriage. We will get through this and we will come out stronger on the other side. 

God has better plans

I found out Yesterday that I am having another boy. I really thought this one was going to be a girl but God had better plans. Even though I was shocked I'm not disappointed. What I am a little upset about is that it wasn't a girl for Gunner's sake. I feel like I kinda failed him. I know it's his sperm that decides the gender of the child but I still feel like I failed him because it wasn't a girl. I know, it's dumb of me to feel that way and even Gunner said there is no reason for me to feel that way but I can't help it.

On a happier note, we have decided to name him Colton. We really only have to buy little things that can't be passed from one child to another (such as pacifiers ect..) and I do have to buy a new child car seat. I checked the infant car seat that I used with my other two boys and that doesn't expire until December of 2014. I can get Colton through 3 months in it. After 3 months, my babies are way too heavy for me to carry around in an infant car seat so I really won't need it after that. I just ordered him a bright green and black convertible car seat. So in December I will just move him into his new car seat. The car seat that Rando is in now will expire in October which is fine because I was going to get him a high back booster seat and move him into that after his birthday in July. 

Easter is fast approaching. Gunner comes to church with the boys and I for Easters so that's nice. I wish he'd go more often then Easters and Mother's Day and sometimes around Christmas time too but I will take what I can get. Our church puts on a big Egg hunt for the kids after church on Easter and the boys always have a great time finding eggs together. I also got them each a basket (like usual) and I have a few goodies in there like crayons and coloring books and things. I got them each a small chocolate bunny too because I KNOW they will be getting a lot of candy from the eggs at the church egg hunt. I told Mom just to get the boys books and things like that no candy. I know she will but I'm sure my mother inlaw will not listen like usual and load them up with candy from her too. So we will have a basket of candy on the fridge that we will be giving out slowly until we refill the basket with the boys trick or treat candy in October.