Wow! It's been a while...

I always think about writting in here but never actually get around to doing it. Sometimes I write up a post of paper and then I begin to edit it and then I just say, "No one wants to read this, not even me" and I throw it out.

So here I am....

I did a little reorganizing and I finally have my desk cleared off enough that I have my tablet and Bluetooth keyboard all set up on it now and I am writting this post with it right now. Usually my desk chair is piled high with clean or dirty clothes and I just pile things onto my desk at night after I am done working on them in my bed. I really need to keep this space cleared and tidy so it gives me more motivation to actually sit and get on here.

I am TRYING to repair my relationship with God. I still feel like God isn't listening to a lot of my prayers but I am getting answers to them (whether I like them or not) trickeling in here and there.  I also have been ATTEMPTING to do the whole 30:30 challenege that Joyce Meyer always talks about and I am failing miserabley! The 30:30 Challange is you are supposted to read your bible everyday 30 minutes a day for 30 days straight. Today is day 8 and I think I have actually accoplished the whole 30 minute goal twice! Other days its like 9 or 15 minutes because I read at night before I go to bed and I fall asleep before the 30 minute mark.  So yeah, that has been pretty awful.

Tomorrow night, I have a "girls night out" dinner I am going on. Me and 2 friends of mine are going to our favorite mexican place in town El Rodeo and we are going to leave the kids home with our husbands. It's always nice to go out and have a little adult time away from the kids.

Soccer has officially started!!! I am really happy that KJ seems to be working a little harder at keeping control of the ball. This is the first time Rando has played soccer and I KNEW he would love it. He has ALWAYS had natural control of the ball, even as a baby. So its really cool to see him at soccer practice. Other kids in his group are struggling and he's just awesome. His biggest problem are his power kicks. Even if he's passing and the kid is only like 5 feet away he just turbo kicks that ball and it just blows past them. I keep telling him "You gotta scale down your kicks when you are passing the ball. Save the big kicks for the goal" haha. He gets so excited though so it really makes me happy. Saturday is Rando's (Or Robert Brandon, which is what he named him but he went by Rando for so long that its hard for me NOT to call him Rando now that he no longer likes the nick name) first soccer game. He has his uniform and he is sooo ready! Unfortunately, KJ does not have a game yet. He is in the boys only 2-3 grade (It's Co-ed for K-1, then its same sex until middle school) and his group only have 5 teams so this is his Bye week. But that's okay. He can sit and watch his brother play just like his brohter had to do for years. :)

Oh yeah, another thing going on now is the fact that the school is telling me that after his oils wear off about 1/2 through the day that he is showing signs of ADHD (Big surprise there HAHA!). They asked me to contact my pediatrican so they can have the papers from her to fill out and return in a month or two so she can scale it. If they get an actual diagnoses he can then get a 504 in school. I have asked the Dr. if she will sign the consent form to have me bring the essential oils to school and leave it with the nurse to apply after lunch each day so he can be calm and focused the rest of the day. The Pediatrican is now giving me a hard time about signing it because "she doesn't really know too much about essential oils" but she will gladly write me a perscription for Adderal and Ridolin(spelling?). WHAT!?!?! So you won't sign the paper allowing me to bring the oils THAT WORK (and have worked all last year) into school but you are willing to pump my kid full of drugs that can mess with his blood pressure and give him heart problems? uhhhhhh NO THANKS!  I am going to go in and talk to her about this a little more tomorrow at Colton's 2 year check up. I have been PRAYING my guts out all week. We will see if God answers it tomorrow. Hopefully, he opens up her eyes or lets me bypass her somehow with the school. We will see......

Paleo Here We Go.

I've been doing a lot of research lately about food. I've gained 15 pounds since my mother passed away. On top of all the other weight I'm trying to lose this extra 15 is like a mill stone around my neck while swimming in the ocean. So I have been serious about researching food and what it does to the body. I read the book Wheat Belly and it really opened up my eyes. Then I watched the documentary Perfect Human Diet and the movie Love Paleo. That sealed the deal for me. I wanted to try out the Paleo lifestyle. I tried it for a week. I lost 5 lbs and then I went to a cookout which left me with only one thing to actually eat so I went off it and ate whatever I wanted there. The next day my stomach was totally upset and I had gained back 3 of my 5 pounds lost. So I was upset about that and it sealed the deal for me. I've been using this week to ease back into the Paleo lifestyle.  I may not be over the passing of my mother but I am trying my best to keep my body as healthy as possible.

So Paleo I will go ....

I miss my mom

My Mom passed away on Sunday February 7th 2016 at about 6am. I have to admit, I've been pretty upset with God. I truly believed that God would heal her and give her a chance to see her grandchildren  grow up. My mom wanted that so much so I never doubted that God would get her through her cancer. God had always gotten our family through all the tough times but it felt like God just turned his back on us when Mom got cancer. It's been a little over 2 months and I still cry every single day. I feel so hopeless and I just can't get on top of my depression. I'm so lost without Mom. I've gained weight and I just barely get through everyday. I'm struggling to keep up with the housework and the laundry. I'm overwhelmed with life in general and I don't know what to do anymore. I used to call and text my Mom throughout the day all day long every day. Now it's just me. I put on a happy face for my boys but I feel completely dead inside. I'm praying again but I don't really feel like God gives two crap about my prayers because I am upset with him. I just don't know how to get through this.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas!

I'm amazed at how much faster each holiday comes one after another in my older years. It truly felt like FOREVR between holidays as a kid. Now I feel like every time I turn around I am staring down the barrel of the next holiday.

Well I am DONE shopping. I almost finished wrapping everything this weekend because the boys spent the night at their grandparents house last night. So Gunner and I went out on a nice dinner date and then we came home and he vegged out on the sofa while I wrapped presents until I ran out of wrapping paper.

I am not one of those parents who goes crazy at Christmas because 1- I can't afford to do that and 2- Our house is too small for so much junk and 3- If you get your kids everything they want then what can they save for themselves or look forward to getting for birthdays and all that.

I ask the boys what they really want most and we work from there. This year KJ wanted the Lego Dementions game for Xbox. So that was a pretty expensive thing so we got him that and a character for it. (Then of course he got the usual stocking stuffers: playdou, crayons, coloring book, spin toothbrush, and a box of Mike ans Ikes <his favorite candy).

For Rando he said he wanted he wanted a cash register like they have at preschool and the Minion movie. That of course was pretty cheap so I also got him a new yellow (his favorite color) full sized skateboard because the mini skateboard we have is getting too small for him and he's actually been using it alot so I thought he'd enjoy an upgrade. I also got him a one eyed minion helmet to wear while skateboarding. Also the usual stocking stuffers as KJ only instead of Mike and Ikes we got him a box of sweedish fish because those are his favorite.

Colty is Obsessed with the boys fleese blankets. He is always steeling and running off with Rando's Minion blanket which drives him crazy so KJ usually just gives him his Ninja Turtles one. So I got Colty a Paw Patrol  fleese blanket of his own. Now KJ can get his back. I also got him a few peg puzzles. Those unfortunately don't ever get handed down to the next brother because pieces get lost. He really doesnt need any toys since he has so many hand me downs but my boys LOVED balls at his age so we have a lot of ball related things. He likes them but he'd rather play with his brothers toy trucks. So we got him a  toddler friendly truck of his own. In his stocking he also got a coloring book because he does enjoy scribbling on the boys pictures and my grocery list every chance he gets. I also got him a pack of larger preschool crayons. Instead of playdou he got some sox and his favorite candy (A bag of M&Ms).

All and all I would say the boys are gonna have a good Christmas this year. A few days before Christmas I usually take the boys (older two) to either the dollar store or 5Below and I let them pick out something that they will be giving their other two brothers just from them. Each brother gets the others something special just from them and of course I pick what the baby will get the boys. This is a tradition that my mom always did with my brother and I and it gives the boys a joy in giving not just receiving. I love watching the boys wander around and look for "just the right thing" for each brother. Then we go home and I let them wrap them all up by themselves too (I usually just dispense tape). The only problem is they are so excited about giving their brother what they got for them it's hard for them to wait. So I try to make it as close to christmas as possible.

Only like 12 more days until Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Our Sweet Sweety

Our new dog Sweety has been with us for 2 whole weeks now. She is absolutely perfect for our family and for our other dog Weenie. She is much smaller then Pooh Bear was but she's a little bit bigger than Weenie. She is about 35 lbs. She is a 4 year old black and white terrier mix and she's got a cute little curly tail. She has the sweetest personally and she is so sweet and loving with the boys.

I saw her on a rescue sight when I first started looking at dogs but I didn't think Gunner would be all that interested because he kept saying that he wasn't ready to love a new dog yet. Weenie, ever since Pooh Bear passed, had horrible separation anxiety to the point that I couldn't leave him home alone for even the hour ot takes me to drop off and pick up the boys at school.  So I just started taking him with us in the car. That started out being good. He's just a mini doxie so it's not like he takes up a bunch of room. I would just stick him in his dog bed on the front seat. But as the weeks went on he started to freak out during the 5 minutes that I left him in the car to walk Rando up to preschool. Even if KJ sat in the car with him while I walked Rando to the door he would just howl and yelp and make such a big show thay everyone had to come and look in on him to see of he was okay and then with people looking at him he'd freak out all the more and start barking and howling and it was just awful and very embarrassing!

Gunner didn't have to deal with it so he had no idea what I was going through every day. Well one day it was raining so Gunner was home from work and I said "if you wouldn't mind I'd like to run and do my grocery shopping now before all the kids are out of school. Could you take Weenie and go pick up Rando from preschool today?" He was fine with thay but when I got home he looked mad. He said "Weenie was awful! He just started freaking out, I didn't know what to do. Is he like this all the time?" So after that whole experience he started to warm up to the idea of maybe getting another dog just for Weenie ' s sake.

So I started looking online again and I just kept coming back to the picture of Sweety (Her name WAS Cherry at the rescue). It said she was very sweet and that she had injured her leg a few months ago and her former owners just gave her up at the animal hospital. So they fixed up her leg (it's all good now, she just has a nasty looking scar) and then they handed her over to the rescue. The rescue had her for a few months but no one was even interested in her because she was 4 and because of her nasty looking scar (she licks it alot so even though it is healed all the licking makes it look raw and irritated). For me the fact that she was 4 was a bonus. Weenie is 8 and I don't think he could handle a puppy  full time right now and at 4 she is over the puppy stupids so I wouldn't have to worry about potty training or chewing things up (she does steal the boys stuffed animals but she doesn't chew them she just likes to walk around the house with them) and at 4 she wouldn't be as hyper and overwhelming for Weenie to deal with so I finally convinced Gunner to atleast come to the shelter and meet her.

We met her on a Monday.  The boys LOVED her from the start. Gunner just sat straight faced and didn't show any signs of caring at all. So we brought Weenie in to meet her (if he didn't like her there was no way we would have gotten her). He liked her from the start and they played together and had a good time. Again, Gunner just sat straight faced and just said "well I have no feelings for her but Weenie seems to like her so if you want you can fill out an application for her" so I did. Tuesday night I got a call from the shelter. They called my vet to make sure that my animals were taken care of regularly (we have a long haired cat too, her name is Fuzzy Lady) and they contacted our animal control to make sure we had no animal abuse charges or complaints or any of that. And we were approved so I was told I could come get her that Wednesday. The boys decided to name her Sweety because she was oh so sweet.

That was 2 weeks ago and it feels like we've had her for much longer then that. She fits in perfectly here. Weenie can now stay home because he has her. They play together alot because they are more the same size then him and Pooh Bear were so they are both losing a little weight (they are both fat) Because they run and play and wrestle alot. She is great with my boys. She puts up with Colty giving her hugs and big spitty kisses on her face. She plays hide and seek with Rando under the blankets and she sits calmly with KJ while he reads her lego books and shows her how to play games on the Kindle (as if she really cared). The day I went and picked her up she was a little nervous when we got home so she fallowed me around the whole time but when it was time for me to make dinner I close the baby gate to the kitchen to keep all children and animals out while I cook.  I guess Gunner felt bad for her because she sat at the gate so pitifully waiting for me to let her in that he called her over to the couch with him. While I cooked I heard him talking to her asking her if she thought she would like to be part of our family and how she needed to keep Weenie calm when we left the house. By the time I was done dinner and setting the table I could hear him telling her how pretty she was and how she had a lot of Pooh Bears qualities and he thought she was a good dog. So while I made dinner his heart had melted for her and he loves her. When I told him last week that she was officially ours for a week he even told me "You did a good job picking her out. She will never take the place of Pooh Bear but she's helping me to get over the lost of my little girl." (Gunner LOVED Pooh Bear like she was our first child. He loved her so much we had her cremated and he wants her ashes to be mixed with his when he dies because he thinks of her as his furry daughter). I think she is fast approaching "furry daughter" status because he loves to snuggle up with her on the couch and she lays right in the crook of his arm just like Pooh Bear did. She gives him kisses without being asked just like Pooh Bear did. I think she's going to end up being another Love of his life dog. He loves Weenie too but Weenie is just a "dog". He acts like a dog and is treated like a pet. Where as Pooh Bear was his "daughter". She acted like a child in a furry suit and like I said Sweety seems to be fast approaching "daughter" status.

So that's what is happening around here. Life is pretty good at the moment and I thank God that he guided me to the right dog for our family. As always, he knew best and make things turn out perfect in HIS time, not mine.

R.I.P Pooh Bear

On Friday, my big dog Pooh Bear passed away. She had just turned 12 in August so I had a feeling it was coming for about a week. She was always young and happy looking up until about a week ago. Then she suddenly looked OLD. Very very old. She started eating less and less and she just laid around and didnt want to do much. Friday morning she looked awful so I just knew that this was it for her. I made the boys all give her kisses and to tel her how great a dog she was before I tok them to school. I figured I would just take her to the vet to be put down when I got home from dropping the kids off at school. Sadly, she was already gone when I returned. I hate the fact that she passed alone (well my little dog was with her but there was no human home). I cried the rest of the morning until it was time to get Rando from preschool. She was a good dog. She was a protector and a great friend.

This morning it hit me how much I depend on her to feel safe here at home. While I was laying in bed this morning I heard something in the kitchen. Ususally if I heard suspicous noises I would send Pooh out to investigate. Of course, she would usually come back looking like "You sent me out there for nothing" but she always went out and did her patrol no matter how early in the morning or late at night it was. This morning I tried to get Weenie, my little dog, to go out and  patrol the situation and he looked at me like "Woman, cant you see I am sleeping here" and put his head down and went back to sleep.

I would really like to get another dog. Not to replace Pooh Bear because no dog could ever replace her but to add another dog to the house for secruity reasons. My own need to feel secure in my house when my husband isnt home.I told Gunner how I really didnt feel safe this morning beacuse Weenie wouldnt go out for a patrol and Gunner just said "Well I will just have to get you a gun then" WHAT!? I dont want a gun I want a dog. Knowing my luck he'd come in from work one day early and I'd shoot him thinking it was an intruder. NO THANKS!

I have decided to just wait it out for a little bit. I am going to just start saving the money that my brother gives me to sit over at his house and watch the girls for him the nights he works at the bar. Then, when Christmas rolls around I will hopefully have enough money to get the boys the presents I want to get them and enough left over to get a dog from a rescue shelter. I will tell Gunner that him letting me get the dog will be his present to me and then he wont have to get me anything for Christmas at all. I think that would be a pretty even exchange. We will see how it turns out. Maybe I will be lucky and God will place a new dog into our lives sooner. I will just have to pray and wait to see what God has in store for this family and the possability of a new dog.

Cool off and collect shells.

Sometimes when I feel completely over whlmed by everything going on. I have to take a break.

I am struggling deeply at the moment. we were given a few days of hope for my mothers diagnosis. That, of course, came shattering down at her last appointment. The doctor told her that the surgery they were going to schedule at the end of the month has now been called off. The radiation has not taken care of the cancer as much as they had originally hoped/thought. The cancer has progressed too much to get the surgery so they basically said they will just put her back on chemo and she will probably die on chemo. So I got that going on.

Then, I have willfulness and disobediance in my home. My children are absolutely rotten to the core this wholemonth. I dont understand what has happened there. The only thing I can think of that is happeneing that is different is both my older boys are at school now. I dont know why that would make them so bad but maybe they are acting out because they can not do what they want during the day now or something. It just doesnt make sense to me but I am trying to deal with it.

Due to the willful disobedience going on around me, my anger has become harder and harder to control. I feel like I am yelling at the boys all the time because they just wont listen and do what they are ask to do or do what they NEED to do. Its just making me crazy.

The tention has been building in our house. Im at my wits end with the children right now. I am scared of losing my mother and I feel like Im not getting any support or back up from my husband. So this weekend, I just took off. After we got home from KJ's soccer game. I made sure everyone got in and then I grabbed my Bible and I left. I went down to the local resivor that people go fishing at and I walked along the beach until I found a nice spot with some black eyed susans. I sat and read my Bible and enjoyed the beautiful view of the lake before me and it was just what I needed. I spent two hours their alone with my Bibleand then I went back, picked up my two oldest (Colty stayed home with Daddy because he was napping) and we walked the shore and collected sea shells and attempted to skip rocks. That hour and a half I had with my boys was great. we had fun together. It was relaxing and I didnt have to raise my vioce at all while we were there.

I think I need to start doing things like that more often. When I feel run down and need God the most I need to just GO. Be with him and the word and be in a place of great beauty. A place I can refresh and renew myself in the Lord. Almost like a Biblle retreat on my own. So thats my goal. Atleast once a week I'd like to just get out of the house alone and be with God. One day I may even get brave enough to just go and camp out all by myself over night. Just me and my Bible. I think that would be pretty awesome if I werent so afraid of the dark. :)